Build me up bridges, build me the moon.

D4

Since I’m being a sap and I’m just in the mood right now

I could never hate you. Even though you blame yourself fully, you shouldn’t. And we could argue about this for hours, because I’m stubborn as hell, but I really do believe that it’s not your fault. It’s mine for getting too attached and falling for you. I mean, I guess if we had to split the blame, it would be 20% you and the rest is all on me, because that 20 is who you are, and I can’t do anything about that. The 80% is all me because I knew better, but I didn’t do anything to restrain myself or my emotions. I fell for you and things just got worse.

However, there were things you did or say to the point where I just hated how you were.

For instance, I started hating the way you were always so touchy with others, even me. I hated how you told me to stop thinking so much, how you acted differently whenever we were in public , how you could just not think about something and go back to some happy-go-lucky child.

And it was in those times when you made me so upset, because I couldn’t go along with what you were doing, or how you were acting.

I hated how when I established the ‘no-contact-with-each-other-until-i-get-my-act-together’ didn’t even work out well because seeing/meeting you during the day was inevitable. And now that I’m actually not talking to you, I kind of miss it.

I hated how you had to lose something in order to realize how much you missed it. I hated how I felt that you would rather fight for her than for me, even though I fully understood why.

These feelings will never leave me. They will come and go as they please, but I hope that I can handle it, because I really miss talking to you. If things go well this weekend, maybe I’ll come to my senses and we can start anew as soon as possible. You said you’d still be here, right? That you wouldn’t change, that you wouldn’t be any different than before? But I’m scared that because of this you’ll act differently towards me. And I’ll do my best to understand.

Even now, I’m tempted to send you a small text. I want to know how you are, if you’re having fun with your family, if you’re doing fine without me.

I just want to know.